An In-Depth Look at Relationships with Narcissistic Elements
n In-Depth Look at Relationships with Narcissistic Elements An In-Depth Look at Relationships with Narcissistic Elements
How to detect narcissists from how they treat your boundaries has come up again. Interestingly, there is a relative dearth of content on this particular point but here is a general piece by Dr. Denise Renye
A specific study in the emphasis on boundaries
Link: https://www.wholepersonintegration.com/blog/2022/2/11/an-in-depth-look-at-relationships-with-narcissistic-elements
Pasteable Citation
Renye, D. An In-Depth Look at Relationships with Narcissistic Elements.
Narcissists are attracted to people with high empathy and also people with high codependency. Codependency is not empathy however, these are just two separate traits the narcissist is attracted to.
I say âdanceâ because often what happens with people with what's commonly known as narcissistic traits is they are attracted to people who have traits of codependency or are highly empathic.
Empaths often feel bad passing negative judgments required to hold boundaries against someone. Similarly, codependent people feel scared of being by themselves. However, boundaries are not something people with narcissism respect and will immediately plow through them or over them without thinking twice or realizing the full consequences of what they just did until later.
Often because people who have codependency or are highly empathic struggle with boundaries and thus find it challenging to stand up for themselves. Boundaries are not something people with narcissism respect or possibly even pay attention to so itâs a âperfect match.â
Instead of mutually negotiating from two agencies, narcissists bend and break and force the world to do what they want. They have no gift for getting consent and getting what they want from a position of mutual agency.
Often itâs the case of people with narcissism/narcissistic tendencies think others are the problem and the whole world should bend to their whim. This, of course, is more of an unconscious process that they most likely are unaware of. Bending to their whim is somewhat of an exaggeration of course, but the sentiment is true.
Narcissists do not think about the otherâs internal experience. The only thing that matters to them is how they feel and relieving/resolving their own internal experience. They show no gift for even considering what it feels like from the other side and view such a thing as annoying or inconveniencing, as opposed to a sign of competence in achieving a strong long term result.
A person with narcissism/narcissistic tendencies isnât thinking about the needs of other people, theyâre only thinking about themselves. They may not have the capacity to think of othersâ needs outside of their own.
Assuming what is and isnât ok is a sign of narcissism. Healthy relationships check and accept what is and isnât ok.
Healthy relationships are consensual ones where each partner respects the otherâs boundaries and doesnât make assumptions about whatâs OK and whatâs not.
Pressuring, guilting, trying anyway are all signs of someone who is part of rape culture actively disrespecting consent
How do you know if you or your partner are not practicing consent? If either of you are pressuring or guilting the other into doing things they may not want to, thatâs not consent. Nor is suggesting that they âoweâ you because youâre dating or you did XYZ for them.
Sadness, anger or resentment may be natural responses to a boundary, but the difference is whether or not they use it to manipulate them, getting violent to get their way, crying to get their way, or silent treating/holding the relationship hostage to get their way. They are ALL like this, sometimes to the point they feel like copies of each other.
If you or your partner reacts with sadness, anger, or resentment as a way to manipulate a boundary, thatâs not consent. Nor is ignoring verbal or nonverbal indications that consent is not given.
Self-centeredness, and ignoring boundaries are early red flags. The article also mentions later walking ahead without noticing the other person, taking calls in the middle of a conversation, and not detecting or responding with appropriate sensitivity in situations sensitive to the relationship.
What are some other red flags to look for? I already mentioned self-centeredness, which can manifest not only as ignoring boundaries, but also a person talking about themselves a lot
Blaming someone else and showing no internal responsibility, other-focus when things go wrong is another sign.
Another demonstration of superiority is putting down others â is someone else always to blame? Did the personâs last relationship combust because their partner was âcrazyâ? Those are red flags or potential red flags.
People with narcissism hear the rules and think âthatâs for other peopleâ and only listen from a place of suspended resentment with no intention of actually changing for these.
People with narcissism act from a space of being special and superior to others, as already mentioned. That can translate into thinking they deserve special treatment or that the general rules of humanness donât apply to them.
Inciting trauma bonding, meaning people who bond to abuse/abusers in order to survive as well as flying monkeys, people the narcissist actively recruit to do their dirty work,actively telling people around the victim to say or do certain things on their behalf, are signs of major narcissists.
The person with narcissism/narcissistic tendencies may communicate excessively and promise an amazing future. âLetâs build a life togetherâ or âYou are my soulmate, the only one for me.â People tend to stay in these relationships due to trauma bonding, which will be discussed below. Another tactic people with narcissism or narcissistic tendencies use is âflying monkeys,â which is a reference to the movie The Wizard of Oz. In the film, flying monkeys did the dirty work of the Wicked Witch of the West.
Flying monkeys are also as aggressive as the original narcissist. They also donât respect consent, enacting the narcissistâs rape/violation/abuse for them when they canât for whatever reason. Narcissists also use aggression and gaslighting to get their way, and blackmail with anger (getting violent around or near the victim and making them see so they know what will happen to them), intimidation (purposefully trying to terrorize the victim), fear (same as previous) or guilt (using various victimized narratives to allow them to continue to violate boundaries when seeing consequences for their narcissism).
Flying monkeys can also be outright aggressive and coerce a person to engage in a behavior they are uncomfortable with. (Consent isnât a part of a flying monkeyâs vocabulary.) Aggression and gaslighting arenât limited to flying monkeys by the way, people with narcissism engage in that sort of abuse as well. Not to mention, the person with narcissism may emotionally blackmail their partner with threats, anger, and intimidation that results in fear, obligation and/or guilt.
Narcissists are extremely competitive, even getting angry when you donât want to deal with the narcissistic competition, such as âPLAY BALL!â and throwing it at them when they clearly said they donât want to play, i.e., the only way to win is not play. They wonât accept that and may say things like that. They are exploitative, taking what is not theirs for themselves. They are withholding, using lack and neglect as major abuse to break down their victims. And between exploitative and withholding is a serious financial abuser. They canât be trusted with group/joint money.
Competition. As people with narcissism want to feel superior, they will compete with those around them do whatever it takes to be the winner, even if itâs through unethical means. This may be overtly or on the sly. There is an ever-present scorecard of who is better being tallied seemingly all the time.
¡ Exploitation. They will also use others for their own personal means without regard to how their actions make other people feel.
¡ Withholding. A person with narcissism will withhold things such as money, sex, communication, and affection in order to get what they want. Similarly, they will engage in neglect and ignore the needs of people they are responsible for, such as children.
¡ Financial abuse. They may control another person by draining their bank account via extortion, theft, manipulation, gambling, or accruing debt in the other personâs name.
Suddenly growing cold/withholding is the signature of the narcissist, trying to hold the relationship hostage to get what they want and to be able to violate a boundary that theyâre not being allowed to violate
They recognize their partner has human flaws, that they donât support or prop up the image the person has of themselves, and the person with narcissism flips. They become cold and withholding, thus discarding the partner.
If every communication collapses pretty immediately in a way it doesnât with non-narcissists, if they break up without reason, clearness or closure, this is narcissism and a product of the fact they donât have literally any internal experience of the internal experience of others, sustainable prosocial actions. They are literally unable to conceive of these things in a way that would like disturb the average person. It is a real personality disorder.
Thereâs no healthy communication with the partner, no reasons given for the break up, unless to project unwanted aspects of themselves onto the partner through blame and shame. Thereâs no closure, just an empty space the person with narcissism once occupied.
Codependents will do whatever it takes to stay dependent on the narcissists, which is why they are preferred over empaths, who though they understand, can still leave them with relative ease.
They believe on an unconscious level that love comes from the outside and at any moment the source of that love can go away. In order to maintain love, affection, and connection, the person will do whatever it takes to keep it, including acquiesce to the needs or will of their partner, even if that goes against their inner truth, needs, or desires.
Trauma bonding is a higher level fawn response. It defies logic and is very hard to break in the sense the mind has down a subconscious/unconscious calculation that they cannot afford the truth of the monster in front of them and repeatedly and aggressively dresses up and distorts the truth of that monster anytime its threatening reality even basically makes consciousness. It takes specifically training your mind to be REALLY strong to break trauma bonding.
Trauma bonding is like Stockholm Syndrome in that people come to have feelings of trust or even affection for the people who are mistreating or abusing them. Trauma bonding can be understood as the one with narcissistic tendencies has finally found a person who seems to be nurturing and all-loving. And the one with codependent tendencies has finally found someone who is ever-present and âsavingâ them from their loneliness and confusion in life. They are a dysfunctional source or stability for each other. Itâs a survival strategy. Itâs also connection that defies logic and is very hard to break. But it can be broken!
Sometimes, anxiety at the person in front of you is misinterpreted as love. Similarly, abusive discards can incite an excruciating pain that is easy to mistake for lovesickness. But these are very different feelings. Feeling more negative and terrified than hopeful and safe with the person is a good sign that you are conflating the two.
Also ask yourself if the excitement you feel about the relationship is rather anxiety at the prospect of rejection or losing an idealized future. If itâs the latter, proceed with caution. Go slow as youâre dating. Take your time to get to know the other person. Healthy relationships take a while to build trust and trust must be earned. Someone with narcissism or narcissistic tendencies frequently lies so pay attention to what people do, not only what they say. Listen beyond the words. Listen with your whole person.
The final lesson is that honoring boundaries and practicing consent is normal and easy for people without personality disorders. For people with narcissistic personality disorders, it is extremely difficult for them to have a long term, stable running conversation without power and control dynamics and it is also extremely difficult for them to deal with boundaries, immediately imploding/exploding at the first assertation of these which is simply not the case for those with narcissism. If you are experiencing these things a lot or even constantly and think it's narcissism, you are probably correct. You can check it to the table of symptoms of here: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1IaSK8Dh83C7Yrg9XFWqKHnnW4IS0kcknETrClIAoVHg/edit?gid=0#gid=0
In addition, most people donât immediately lose interest when imperfections are discovered, which is the mark of an absolute narcissist. Itâs tempting to feel bad for the narcissist but they donât feel bad for you. Donât do things that have no return for you. That is self-harm.
Do not feel bad about leaving a narcissist behind. They would do the same thing to you. Your concern is not returned, any concern the narcissist has about you is seeing what you've been doing in terms of them--are you thinking about them? In pain because of them? Doing things with them in mind? That's all you're worth to them. They don't care about your needs for you, and only look at you after a breakup to see how much they matter, ever the narcissist to the end. You do not exist as an important being to them. They should not exist as an important being to you. Anything that doesnât have something to do with them they will destroy and ignore. That is no return for you and fundamentally unsustainable. You have a duty to cut that off. Save your attention for healthy people that deserve it and don't look back.
I want to emphasize here that healthy partners practice consent and they honor boundaries. They know that everyone is a flawed, imperfect human being (themselves included) and donât lose interest as soon as imperfections are discovered. Dating can be hard and bring up so much for people, but it doesnât have to be a solo endeavor. You can do so with support.