Wow, that was a lot of shame and anger in that argument: Shamerage in the vulnerable narcissist and distinguishing vulnerable vs. grandiose narcissism.
How Does It Feel to be a Narcissist? Shame and Hate Anti-Intelligence Features in Narcissistic Arguments
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https://d1wqtxts1xzle7.cloudfront.net/83032036/Czarna-Zajenkowski-Dufner_Narcissism-and-emotions_chapter-1-libre.pdf?1648814279=&response-content-disposition=inline%3B+filename%3DHow_Does_It_Feel_to_Be_a_Narcissist_Narc.pdf&Expires=1706656546&Signature=TS2jTxnxnqANabOximCZrgAj32TRPLUPb9BAHaZaRbbYru78oG2qmrazyvu4JbZ4JpRetx1GeQKaO-1wyxDXd3gLButVbu-yXXkXO498qyUuHPOwCLZvpANBM7z5wjuEaPask80ajK08wcj67pauYPevahH35uSdrNoak92VCnV0aD508sTzlhcX4c8vOfLt7Nb7co7RUwruLxikADRKUX3QIJz0wl2ayWvR6fyDsKuj8li3H5sIAWrUcWOYGJe6kjTdZSnMmdt4CITjPEaFR9bePcQe5~XzY6mYXIypx1qq6FaT5-t3ZY-Iz9Eo-51MSe0k3HEhcLqjbtcg__&Key-Pair-Id=APKAJLOHF5GGSLRBV4ZA
āFailedā Vulnerable Narcissists and āSuccessfulā Grandiose Narcissists Both Are Extremely Unstable
The two forms of narcissism differ distinctly in their hedonic tone, with vulnerable narcissism being characterized by negative emotionality and low well-being and grandiose narcissism being linked to positive emotionality and high well-being
Both forms are related to strong mood variability that is thought to stem from contingent selfesteem.
Shame-proneness, envy, and schadenfreude mainly only found in the denialist vulnerable narcissist.
Both forms are related to hubristic pride, but only vulnerable narcissism is linked to shame-proneness, envy and schadenfreude.
Thus, if a high element of meaningless shame is in an argument with a narcissist, you can assume they are a vulnerable narcissist.
Outbursts of anger; uncontrollable rage (vulnerable) and dominating terrorism (grandiose)
Both forms are characterized by outbursts of anger, but the underlying causes and the expression of anger differ between the two forms.
Specifically, narcissistic vulnerable is linked to uncontrollable narcissistic rage that stems from a fragile sense of self, and results in disproportionate and dysfunctional aggression.
Grandiose narcissism, in contrast, goes along with instrumental aggression that serves the purpose of asserting oneās dominance in the face of strong direct status threats.
Emotional regulation issues mostly signify vulnerable narcissists
Vulnerable narcissism is related to deficits in emotion regulation, yet research has just begun to shed light on the regulation processes of grandiose narcissists.
Approach (grandiose; overconfident and more likely to make a fool of themselves overestimating their place in peopleās lives) vs. avoid (more likely to not even try and be resented as a coward)
Approach orientation typically goes along with positive emotionality, and avoidance motivation is accompanied by negative emotionality (Elliot & Thrash, 2002).
Research has shown that grandiose narcissists are approach oriented and sensitive to rewards whereas vulnerable narcissists are avoidance oriented and sensitive to threats (
Depressive affect is singular to vulnerable narcissists
Grandiose narcissists tend to be in an energetic, upbeat, and optimistic mood (Sedikides, Rudich, Gregg, Kumashiro, & Rusbult, 2004), whereas vulnerable narcissists tend to experience negative affect and anxiety (Tracy, Cheng, Martens, & Robins, 2011).
Thus, grandiose narcissists are typically happy and have been described as āsuccessful narcissistsā (Back & Morf, in press).
Self-esteem is the difference
showed that high self-esteem mediated the link between grandiose narcissism and well-being, which indicates that grandiose narcissists are high in well-being mainly due to their high self-esteem. This implies, however, that any factor that lowers narcissists' self-esteem is likely to reduce their well-being.
āDonāt kill my vibe/ bringing the party downā very common though process in grandiose narcissists when faced with real negative information they have a responsibility to process (which they will shirk; they do not do well with duties and responsibility)
Zajenkowski and Czarna (2015) showed that grandiose narcissistsā well-being might depend on their self-evaluation in an agentic domain.
However, if grandiose narcissists can't pay the ādaily rent of successā, they will have immense collapses of self-esteem. Specifically, when grandiose narcissists have low intellectual self-esteem, their well-being was lower than among people low in grandiose narcissism. Thus, grandiose narcissists are happy as long as they manage to maintain a high level of self-esteem.
Vulnerable narcissists are the most likely to be neurotic and have negative affect
Vulnerable narcissists showed such expressions such as anxiety, depression, and hostility (Miller et al., 2011), earning vulnerably narcissistic individuals the name āstruggling narcissistsā or even āfailed narcissistsā (Campbell, Foster, & Brunell, 2004; Back & Morf, in press).
Recently, Miller et al. (2017) have shown that vulnerable narcissism is almost entirely reducible to neuroticism (the rest being antagonism and hostility) which is a strong and negative predictor of subjective well-being
"Success is rent you pay every day."; self-esteem contingent on social comparisons and highly liable to crashing on any given day
vulnerable narcissism is associated with low psychological well-being.
Even though grandiose and vulerable narcissism differ in their overall relations to wellbeing, they are both characterized by strong mood variability, which is thought to be due to their contingent self-esteem and sensitivity to social comparisons (Bogart, Benotsch, & Pavlovic, 2004; Geukes et al., 2017; Krizan & Bushman, 2011; Rhodewalt, Madrian, & Cheney, 1998; Rhodewalt & Morf,1998).
Grandiose narcissistsā state self-esteem decreases substantially on days with more negative achievement events, leading to rapidly changing emotions (Zeigler-Hill, Myers, & Clark, 2010)
Excessive hubristic pride is indignance in the face of deep shame the narcissist cannot escape, and is a form of denial of a shame that threatens to consume them at any time
In this model, narcissism, in both its grandiose and vulnerable version, is characterized by a constant interplay of excessive pride and shame, two self-conscious emotions (Tracy et al., 2011).
Shame is a core affect in narcissism. It is typically followed by a response of self-aggrandizement and pride, a mask of self-confidence covering an embarrassed face.
Pride, however, has different facets and only one of them is associated with narcissism, namely hubristic pride.
"It must be because I'm hot" syndrome or "I'm the best" syndrome
these don't mean anything in and of themselves but are general self-assignments in the grandiose narcissist that only exist as long as they're not interrupted. Since they don't really refer to anything meaningful, if they are interrupted, they are interrupted fundamentally and self-esteem suffers a massive blow.
Conversely, hubristic pride stems not from actual accomplishments, but from generalized, distorted positive views of the self.
Whereas authentic pride results from attributions to internal, unstable but controllable causes, hubristic pride results from attributions to internal, stable and uncontrollable causes, i.e. the self (Tracy & Robins, 2007a).
This ensures that the pride is immune and the hidden self that is trying to hide from real shame remains hidden behind something that canāt easily be destabilized.
Broad-based, meaningless positive self-views like āIām the bestā, āthis is definitely about meā (when itās not), or āit must be because Iām hotā type cognitions are what prevent the individual from excessive and global shame.
For the narcissist, positive views of the self are too essential to leave to the whim of actual accomplishments, for these views are what prevents the individual from succumbing to the excessive and global shame.
Narcissistic parents, unsurprisingly, are usually the cause of narcissistic adults.
It has been suggested that narcissistic self-aggrandizement is a result of an internal conflict developed in early childhood when parents place unrealistic demands on a child and reject him/her when perfection is not achieved (Tracy et al., 2009).
A child may then develop a dissociation between positive (explicit) and negative (implicit) self-representations (Kohut, 1971).
This process creates a ground for an interplay between shame and pride.
Existence is just a defense against the shame: . Specifically, failures lead to overwhelming shame because they feed into the negative implicit self-representations.
As a defense against excessive shame, narcissists harbor their positive explicit self-representations and idealize the explicit self, which manifests in stable, global attributions following success (āI did it because I am always greatā). Thus, the positive, explicit self becomes an object of pride.
To travesty William Blakeās words: āPride is shameās cloak.ā
Grandiose narcissists are more likely to know the "treasure map" of where to go and where to avoid as a narcissist; decreasing likelihood of a shame experience. They show more effective navigation in this regard and overall aren't surprised by surprise negative attacks.
Avoiding places where they have experienced shame.
Avoiding those who have held them accountable.
Narcissists regulate self-esteem by decreasing the likelihood of shame experience, and simultaneously, seeking out the company of those who give meaningless praise, no matter how false: narcissists regulate self-esteem by increasing the likelihood of hubristic pride experience.
They also try to maintain high self-esteem through external indicators of their self-worth (e.g., other peopleās admiration, work success, etc.). All these processes and emotions serve regulatory functions in narcissism and lead to the development of contingent self-esteem (Tracy et al., 2009).
These differ from achievements because they are social comparative as a primary purpose. Achievements can be primarily for the achiever unless they are over-trophied.
Shame-proneness and excessive shame based arguments show the vulnerable rather than grandiose narcissist
Krizan and Joharās (2015) studies indicate that it is vulnerable, rather than grandiose, narcissism that is strongly associated with shame-proneness,
again 4 suggesting that grandiose narcissists are more āsuccessfulā in their self-regulatory efforts than their vulnerable counterparts (Campbell et al., 2004).
Envy is a feature more so of vulnerable narcissists, and they enjoy the misfortune of others because it makes them feel less bad about themselves temporarily
Envy is one of the most important emotions in the lives of vulnerable narcissists - they resent higher status peers and revel in the misfortune of others (Krizan & Johar, 2012; Nicholls & Stukas, 2011)
Grandiose narcissism is deep in a denialist pride that functions and is well-insulated (successful narcissist) so they are less likely to feel envy unless something gets past the self-insulated self-congratulatory mechanism.
Grandiose narcissism has a more complicated association and is thus less predictive of envy and schadenfreude (Krizan & Johar, 2012; Lange, Crusius, & Hagemeyer, 2016; Neufeld & Johnson, 2016; Porter, Bhanwer, Woodworth, & Black, 2014).
Entitlement and antagonism predict malicious envy
Its leadership/authority component protects grandiose narcissists from dispositional envy (Neufeld & Johnson, 2016) while entitlement and antagonism, common to both grandiose and vulnerable forms narcissism, predict malicious envy (Lange et al., 2016; Neufeld & Johnson, 201; Porter et al., 2014).
Considering that envy, just like shame, is a painful emotion that individuals try to avoid, grandiose narcissists again appear to more successfully navigate their emotional landscapes.
Projection and extreme aggression are the narcissistic responses to shame, attempting to annihilate the shame altogether because the shame is ever-present and threatens to totally collapse them if made aware in full
According to the "authentic versus hubristic" model of pride (Tracy & Robins, 2004, 2006), externalizing blame and experiencing anger might be a viable strategy for coping with chronic shame.
Aggression is an appealing behavioral alternative to shamed individuals because it serves an ego-protective function and provides immediate relief from the pain of shame (Tangney & Dearing, 2002).
Shamerage spirals can be seen across the internet when narcissism shame is stoked. Like a fire, it flares massively and then dies down, having nothing to go on from the start except for its flare up.
Aggressive responses in both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists might therefore represent a āshamerageā spiral (Lewis, 1971; Scheff, 1998; Tracy et al., 2011).
It is not a will to conquer by a will to avoid looking their shame in the face that leads to annihilation rages. These rages are always extreme, excessive, and usually misdirected at someone other than the correct source the narcissist is trying to self-defend against.
Recent theoretical and empirical work on narcissistic rage suggests that it is indeed narcissistic vulnerability rather than grandiosity that is a key source of narcissistic rage, as its necessary conditions include vulnerable sense of self, an explosive mixture of shame, hostility and extreme anger (Krizan & Johar, 2015).
The resultant outburst of aggression is disproportionate, dysfunctional and often misdirected.
Grandiose narcissists rage to establish ātheyāre the boss around hereā, to terrorize people into submission.
Among grandiose narcissists, in contrast, aggression might rather be understood as an instrumental response to a threat to their position of dominance; it serves to directly defend and assert it and does not include the intermediary of shame (Campbell et al., 2004).
Grandiose narcissists are prone to aggression when faced with strong direct threats to the self (such as public impeachments of oneās ability, intelligence, or social status) and their aggressive responses might rather be maneuvers aimed at restoring their superiority rather than outbursts of unrestrained, uncontrollable rage fuelled by shame and chronic anger (Barry, Thompson, Barry, Lochman, Adler, & Hill, 2007; Fossati, Borroni, Eisenberg, & Maffei, 2010).
This view is known as the threatened egotism model and it assumes that acts of grandiose narcissists are motivated by inflated self-esteem and entitlement
Grandiose aggression may be sadistic to try to convince the audience and victim of how superior they are to reestablish dominance. Usually they are less uncontrolled as those of vulnerable narcissists.
Narcissistically grandiose aggression might have a sadistic flavor.
Altogether, grandiose narcissistsā aggressive responses to ego-threats are deliberate means of asserting superiority and dominance, rather than uncontrolled acts of rage characteristic of vulnerable narcissists (Krizan & Johar, 2015).
Since it is dependent on social comparison which is very arbitrary and capricious, narcissistic self-esteem is also extrempely unstable.
As mentioned above, narcissistic self-esteem contingency and sensitivity to social comparison result in high affect volatility. There are both intra- and interpersonal causes of such volatility.
Grandiose narcissists use other people to regulate their self-esteem, producing a typical dynamic of initial excitement, āseductionā and later disappointment (Back et al., 2013; Campbell & Campbell, 2009; Czarna, Leifeld, Åmieja, Dufner, & Salovey, 2016; Leckelt et al., 2015; Morf & Rhodewalt, 2001; Paulhus, 1998).
A grandiose narcissist can be identified when they keenly are watching the other person not for the other person but for what their gaze and behaviors mean about their impact on them.
This is not the same thing as watching for empathetic rapport, even though narcissists often conflate the two.
Unmet entitled expectations that are usually extremely unreasonable lead to social withdrawal and avoidance in vulnerable narcissists
In vulnerable narcissism, hypersensitivity and disappointment stemming from unmet entitled expectations lead to social withdrawal and avoidance in a futile attempt to manage self-esteem. This brings about shame, depression, anger and hostility, and often culminates in outbursts of narcissistic rage
generates significant emotional instability
Vulnerable narcissists are the most likely to deny, aka not accept, their own emotional responses.
vulnerable narcissism was substantially positively correlated with multiple indices of maladaptive emotion regulation, such as nonacceptance of oneās own emotional responses
Vulnerable narcissists are more likely to have impulse control difficulties
impulse control difficulties, limited access to emotion regulation strategies, and a lack of emotional clarity. Another study indicated different gender-specific mediating paths via deficits within components of ability emotional intelligence that underlie the relationship between vulnerable narcissism and hostility (Zajenkowski, Czarna, Szymaniak & Maciantowicz, in preparation).
anger when struggling to express emotions is definitely a key feature of the vulnerable narcissist.
Emotional management (squashing expression, suppressing) is a more male form of narcissistic emotion management when experiencing hostility while facilitation (finding counseling, communicating) is a more female way of experiencing hostility.
Specifically, it was found that emotion management mediates the relationship between vulnerable narcissism and hostility among men, whereas for women emotion facilitation acts as a mediator of the narcissism ā hostility association
Grandiose narcissists can persist without extra prop-ups to their ego when the going gets tough
Even though in many studies grandiose narcissists have displayed substantial volatility in response to failure (e.g., Rhodewalt & Morf,1998), there is evidence that they are also capable of high task persistence when no alternative paths to self-enhancement are available.
In comparison to people low in grandiose narcissism, they report more positive emotions and resiliency in the face of failure (when no comparative feedback with competitors is provided; Wallace, Ready, & Weitenhagen, 2009).
The fact that grandiose narcissists can maintain confidence and tolerate setbacks in pursuit of a goal, but may quickly withdraw from challenging tasks if given an easier path to success actually suggests good self-regulation.
Their resilience to stress might, nevertheless, be illusory.
However true the above is, grandiose narcissists are more deeply affected by emotional stress in general and are overwhelmed by it, especially male grandiose narcissists.
Multiple studies indicate that even if narcissistic individuals deny that they are influenced by stress, grandiose narcissism comes with certain physiological cost, namely increased reactivity to emotional distress, manifested in elevated output of stress-related biomarkers and this seems particularly true for men.
Narcissists are less likely to pick up the emotions of others and thus both evade ever being an empath while also not experiencing the dark parts of being empathetic, such as establishing rapport with someone negative or continuing to mirror someone who has no ability to reciprocate in order to establish rapport, and thus the usual mechanisms that create rapport are read instead as āechoā instantiations. (Really, they are just uncompleted foundations laid for rapport).
Given that narcissists have a strong self-focus and a tendency toward self-absorption (Campbell & Miller, 2011), it seemed likely that they would pay less attention to the emotional states of other people. Two studies with experimentally induced affect showed that grandiose narcissists were less prone to emotional contagion than individuals low in grandiose narcissism (Czarna et al., 2015). Hence, grandiose narcissists were less likely to āācatch the emotionsāā of others, a result corroborating their generally low empathy.
Interestingly use of masks can measure the meaningful relay of social emotions, with those who mask more likely to receive truly social emotions. Areas high in lack of mask use can therefore be correctly ascribed as high in narcissism.